I feel like my heart is broken, and hurts more than a broken bone, but at same time not knowing why or how it happened. the feeling that it’s definately a real thing, but can’t be grasped.
a constant slow gradual dissolving that one day just announces, without much warning, ok I’m breaking now, I just thought I’d let you know! and it’s like a question, this strange feeling talking to me: do you accept me for the feeling that I am? what are you going to do?
and it presses and presses me to answer. like bubbles from a source deep in the ocean, rising to a surface an unknown distance above, but still rising nonetheless.
I can see the bubbles rising and am caught in a loop. where are they going (I know, to the surface an unknown distance above) and can I stop them (should I?) these questions become a kind of paralysis, in which resolving the problem wears me down so much I can’t think anymore.
‘thinking’ then becomes a painful thing, because I am always thinking, but at same time want to ‘not think’. and whilst I’m trying to not think, new moments and feelings and memories are crashing down endlessly, an immense wall of cascading waterfalls.